We need you to live!

RIP Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain and the many unnamed people who have taken their own lives. I just recently saw that there were 4 kids from my hometown who committed suicide in their first week of school. That is so heartbreaking. My heart is so heavy. I really struggled to get this out. I've been putting it off for so long that I kind of abandoned my whole page because of fear. I guess even in my strength I have a weakness. Everyone does, right? Look at Superman, he has kryptonite. It's the vulnerability. It makes me feel helpless and weak. Putting your guard down and having no protection. It is so crazy how these invisible things can have such a strong hold on someone. My silence isn’t helping anyone though. So as hard as this is to do…. and it is so very hard I’m going to do this. So here goes. Look, I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be walking or talking or have RBF.

When I was 14 years old, I attempted suicide. I was in a dark place. I felt so alone and so abandoned and I couldn't understand any of these complicated emotions that were flying through my head daily. I didn't understand depression and anxiety. All I could understand was sadness that seemed to never end. Every night I would go to bed sobbing and I’d wake up the next morning feeling the exact same way. I was being bullied and it wasn't just in school it was in my second home, my church too. It was awful. A peacemaker being forced to fight all the time. I wasn’t a fighter then. I had such a pure heart and soul. I didn’t understand that sometimes people are not going to like you. I wanted everyone to get along. I wanted to have friendships like I saw on television. High school was a different place. Everyone was trying so hard to fit in and to be their version on “Cool”. I guess I just wasn’t. I couldn’t be just me. It wasn’t safe. There wasn’t anywhere I could go to just be me. It was so confusing. People were so mean. Even as I write this I’m struggling to not sway toward the over dramatic, but it was so real. I didn’t feel safe, physically or emotionally even spiritually. I was fighting all the time and I wasn’t a fighter. Everywhere I went I had to defend myself. Even at church! It was awful. Everything was a living nightmare. Never having a safe space. I didn't feel like anyone understood or saw me. I was invisible and so was my pain. It was hard, beyond hard. I was alone all the time in rooms filled with people. I didn’t have anyone who I trusted and no one to talk to. All this at a crucial time in my development. I was 13 going on 14 years old and that is so confusing within itself! It was really what could have been a lifetime movie. So many details seem like they are made up… but truth is stranger than fiction. I wasn’t allowed to eat lunch in the quad with other students, I had to eat with the principal. I had to have my classes changed and be escorted from class to class for fear of my safety. I had NO FRIENDS. I even remember this boy who I liked so much dumped me because everyone told him I was a hoe. Two boys tried to sexually assault me during PE and the teacher just walked away. I was spit on, had people calling my house threating to kill me, started to fail every class, had my hair ripped out and was alone…. All because of a stupid rumor made up by a jealous person. One day it proved to be to much and I just wanted a break. I wanted to disappear. I wanted the pain to stop forever. I wanted to die. I convinced myself everyone would be happier if I wasn’t around. Besides, no one wanted me around anyway. I didn’t have the courage to live anymore. I had enough with this world. I was ready for my story to end on my terms…… But God.

After drinking a concoction that was burning a hole through the glass it was in. I woke up face down in a bible. I didn’t understand how I was still here uninjured, unscarred, but I was here. The scripture highlighted Habakkuk 1:4 “Look at the nations and watch and be utterly amazed, for I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe even if you were told.”

God was telling me he had a bigger plan. He gave me so much comfort and for the first time I saw that I wasn’t alone. I’d like to say that instantly everything changed… it didn’t. I’d like to say I went to school the next day and was greeted with hugs, and I was happy go lucky again…. I wasn’t. Slowly, it got better, and I got stronger. A couple years later a girl I didn’t know came to church for what was about to be her last time. She came to say goodbye because she had planned on taking her life when she got home. After we sang praise and worship, I was walking by her, and God told me to hug her. I did. He told me to tell her “Don’t do it because he needs you here.” She started crying and I just held her and repeated “live.” She did.

I don’t fully understand why my life was the way it was, but one thing I know. I went through hell and am an example that you can make it through. If I hadn’t had that experience I couldn’t have spoken into that girl’s life or to the other people who have shared their struggles with me. I couldn’t be talking to whoever is reading this now and needs to know that their life matters. Someone needs to see you make it through.

Reach out to your friends and loved ones. You never know what they are going through, even the ones who seem so strong. You could be saving their life! If you are struggling, please reach out to someone. We need you here.