Forty, Fabulous and finally finding myself.

February 14th 1980 in West Covina California, at Queen of the Valley Hospital, Amber Valentina Merchant came into the world, and the earth shook! Seriously, there was an actual earthquake when I was born. God was preparing the world for my presence! I popped out like a freshly baked pop tart! I didn't cry as my mother says, she said I was looking around at everything and everyone. Sizing them up probably. Hence my little life journey began. I have flashes from my childhood, I remember living in Pomona California and swimming, I remember riding our German Shepard Lightening like a horse. I remember my Strawberry Shortcake bed and bicycle and dress (I must have loved SS). Everyone said I looked like Tweety Bird when I was little because I had a huge yellow head and blue eyes. I was also always sucking a pacifier, so it looked like my little beak.

I remember doing my first cartwheel in the front lawn and every Saturday morning my dad and his friends drinking in the garage and playing oldies. I remember standing on the gate that led to the front door and once dropping a glass of water and then falling down on top of it. I had cuts all over my body and I remember walking into the house crying all bloody and my sister and brother watching Berenstain Bears. My mom was so calm as she bound up my little wounds.

When I was about 6 years old, I auditioned for my first play, Peter Pan. I don't remember how I heard about it I just knew I wanted to sing and dance on that stage like I had seen my mom do so many times. When we got there, there was so many people! Each child was required to go in the stage and sing.... alone... in front of everyone. My mom, who knew I was quiet and reserved took a look at the people (there was hundreds of them) and pulled me to the side. She was so sweet and said, " I can take you home, you don't have to go up there". I looked around, looked at her and said, "Okay mommy, sit down!" And with the confidence of Diana Ross, I walked onto that stage and sang for my six-year-old life! (I was cast and played LOST KID #12). But I was so confident. So fearless.... I didn't know what it meant to be shy, intimidated or fearful. I knew I wanted to sing like my mom and in order to do that I had to go onto that stage.... so that's exactly what I did. I think that's the last time I was ever like that.

Isn't that amazing, how fearless we are as children. As we age, we let EVERYTHING dictate what we do. We lose our confidence in ourselves because someone said... or because we tried something... or someone hurt us. Who we are, who we were born as, gets lost in a bunch of... stuff. As we grow up, we try on different masks to see which one fits. We change our identities to be liked even loved. Especially in our teen years (teen Amber was a mess). But I think along the way in each life lesson we find little pieces that just kind of... fit and we hold onto them.

I've had a pretty good sense of who I am as a person for a while, but I have been afraid to show it. It's not really a "caring about what people think" thing. It's like ... I don't like attention thing. I would love to be invisible! But God didn't give me an invisible personality or an invisible face LOL. My biggest struggle is confidence, not in my looks, I'm pretty (don't judge) but my confidence to just be me and not apologize for it. I would find that I would shrink myself to make other people feel better about themselves. But as I got older, I started asking myself. "Why are you doing this?" "Why are you backing down?" I started to say to myself don't shrink for them, let them be big with you!!

At the top of 2020 I decided I was not going to shrink anymore! But I needed something... a push if you will let me know it's FINE for me to be that 6-year-old Amber! I did a photo shoot for my birthday and let me tell you, I was SO NERVOUS! I never get nervous. It started off rough, I didn't know what to do with myself, I didn't know what to do with my body. I felt awkward. In the middle of the shoot, I started to feel something, I started asking myself, "why are you holding back?" BE YOURSELF! I can be quite and fierce! I can be confident, strong minded, sweet and emotional, courageous and daring. I can be kind and have the meanest face on earth! I can be sexy, and smart and hard working! I can be funny and charming and brilliant! I can be ME! I can find myself again. Only this time, I'm not letting her go.

I'm FORTY, FABULOUS and FINALLY FINDING MYSELF.

If you don't like it.... kick rocks!