New year..... same old me!

It is 2020. I can't believe it is 2020. Last year went by very quickly it felt like. It wasn't a good year.... it wasn't a bad year either.... it just ..... was. Well I take that back. The end of the year SUCKED! It is crazy how one moment can send your WHOLE LIFE in a completely different direction. A direction that I needed but didn't know I needed. A direction that hurt... but the kind of hurt that you need you know? I was way too comfortable. I needed to mess up to get out of my comfort zone. Mentally, I needed to take a look at a darker side of myself that I was ignoring a side that needed some light, love and attention. Now I'm in this weird place. I don't know if this makes sense, but I was always dreaming of things I would do if I had the time. Now I have the time and my dreams seem like a nightmare because they scare the crap out of me. Every time I sit down to write or put the thousand mini dreams; I have into action... I freeze. I start questioning everything. Can I do this? Will this work? What if it fails? Will I be embarrassed? Are people going to judge me? I had a lot of things to fall back on, a safety net of sorts. Now the net is gone and I'm TERRIFIED! I'm on the edge... what do I do? 2019 is gone as they say, New Year... new me.

Wrong! New Year, same ole me. What's different is that now I feel a lot heavier. I wish there was a little button that you could push to make me motivated to be different. Can you imagine? If you could just change your whole life in a flash. But honestly, where would that get us? We would be a bunch of "perfect" people with no depth or character. We need depth... we need to struggle right? For the sake of others. Through all this I realized my problems are not just my own. I and trying to build things for many people to stand on. someone has to carry the baggage. Someone has to carry the burden and weight of the hard times. Yes, it's a new year. But it's the same me. The same girl who has fought many battles and overcome them. I have all the tools I need to win. I'm a fighter. So here I am on the edge of another cliff... Time to jump.... again.

At least my face won't give me away!